ausgebrannt | IC Inbox

[Caleb murmured a quiet 'the same for me, please' when the barmaid appeared. His attention barely strayed from Essek though, enthralled by the drow as sure as if an enchantment had been cast on him, even if magic was beyond both of them now.

He didn't bother to hold back an amused quirk of his lips.]

And change is very hard for old men, ja, Großvater?

[More seriously, he ducked his head in a nod.] It does at that. But I have seen similar, when Fjord was abruptly cut off from his powers. In the end, I think he was a stronger man for having lived through it. And I think he lived through it by relying on his friends. Perhaps there is a lesson there for both of us.

[ Grandfather, that caused Essek to chuckle though he hid it behind the palm of his hand-- there was little doubt that he was amused, completely and thoroughly. It came in the way that the firelight caught in his eyes for the briefest of moments, illuminating all of the gold flecks there much like a cat's. ]

I am not used to relying on anyone, or I have not.. til you and the Nein.

[ He folds his hands together then, flexing perfectly manicured fingertips hesitantly ] Not even my brother whom I do care for, far more than I have ever for my family. [ Essek knew he was revealing quite a bit now to this man before him but he knew that he trusted him ]

Caleb Widogast, I am not consecuted. [ at least not that he was aware of, he had never underwent formal consecution ] I am a new soul and so I have had to use magic as a mantle of strength-- new souls are not respected, not as much as souls that have come down the line to return to the fold.

[ He thought back to Adeen ] Did you know that when I first met you and the Nein in the Bright Queen's audience chambers, I was engaged to be married?

[That chuckle, hidden or not, had been what Caleb had hoped for. He barely reasoned that he was smiling himself, the expression reaching sky blue eyes and crinkling them at the corners. It was a good look on the drow, to see him at ease enough to laugh. But the Zemnian wizard's expression softens as Essek continues speaking.

This was certainly a display of vulnerability that Caleb had not seen in the other man before. His eyes widened faintly. Even that small piece of knowledge, it explained so much about Essek, about a man who felt the need to wrap himself in power and hold himself apart as something unassailable, untouchable, to push the boundaries of what was possible.

Of choices made that had set so many things into motion.

Caleb reached out to settle his hands atop Essek's.]

I was not used to relying on anyone either, until I met them. They have that effect on people. And you are ours now, Essek Thelyss.

[Ours was safer -- and truer, Caleb conceded to himself -- than mine, so it would have to do for the moment. There was no hiding the surprise on his face at that last piece of information.]

I did not, no. Then you have a fiancé waiting for you back home?

[And why did that make his stomach twist unpleasantly?]

[ It was best to lay this on the table. The weight of Caleb's warm hands, calloused-- was comforting to Essek and he inhaled a bit; perhaps this was the last bit of secrets between them and one that he was going to lay in the palm of Caleb's hands, let him choose what to do with the information ]

My betrothal was arranged; it was to a consecuted soul. A drow whom was previously of Den Thelyss; it was their way to usher the Drow back into the fold, through a marriage. But drow alliances are always complicated.. and political. He was eager to get back to the Den and lost no time in reminding me that the Den was his rightful place and not mine.

[ The wine glasses came, were set down and he cast a single glass to it before he leveled his gaze to the other wizard ]

We are not betrothed anymore as the Den would never allow me to marry a traitor.

[ His voice halted over the next name ]

Adeen Tasithar.

[ He used the beacons to escape a betrothal; but also.. the words that Jester had spoken to Essek about Adeen being a nasty piece of work, and Essek agreeing with her-- that he was something. That made sense too ]

[Caleb was quiet, letting the other man speak. He did not want to interrupt, wanted to know all that Essek wished to tell him. It felt like he was begin given something precious here, in the telling of this piece of the other's life.

Another widening of his eyes as the story concluded with a name he recognized. The one that Essek had set up to take the fall for the missing beacons. A nasty piece of work, he did remember that discussion. Caleb's fingers hand tightened about Essek's hand, even if Caleb himself did not consciously realize he'd done it.]

I cannot pretend to understand Kryn culture. I barely manage Zemnian culture. But... for what it is worth, I believe you deserve far better than to be promised away for politics. New souls, old souls, again that is not something I know. But I do know that you are remarkable. I have never known a sharper, more brilliant mind.

[Or a more achingly flawed heart that wanted to see itself better than it had been. The part of Essek that reminded Caleb far too much of himself, his mistakes.]

[ Essek did not know what he expected however it had not been the squeeze to his hand that was offered so readily and wholly, this was a moment that would happen months later in the other timeline, fraught with burgeoning feelings from two men who were slowly understanding how to work together in a way that allowed for the each other in uncertain lives.

The fact that Caleb offered of himself so readily had the other man moved so irrecovobly; he could not draw his eyes from their hands forming a link and his mind was already tethered to the sound of those words in such a soothing accented voice. ]

I am ashamed now.. that I took advantage of the beacon to rid myself of an unwanted connection but I do not regret it-- if that makes sense, because it freed me of something distasteful, and perhaps it was the only route I could see at the time but.. in retrospect, I could never have been happy with him holding things over my head constantly. I did not love him, and I was 99 percent certain I could never learn that emotion where he was involved.

[ he did not love like he he loved the Nein, and Caleb specifically; oh, how this ginger wizard was precious to him and he lacked the words or the emotional wherewithal to convey it properly ]

There is much I do not know about the nature of love but I have been taught recently that I should expect better for myself where personal relationships are concerned.

[Caleb found he did not like the idea at all, of Essek being bound to such a man who viewed him as a means to an end, who viewed him as lesser simply for the fact of being a new soul. No, he could not begrudge Essek ridding himself of that sentence for crimes that were never crimes to begin with, the crime of simply being born anew and unencumbered by lives previously lived.

His hand remained where it was. Essek had not flinched, had not pulled away, and Caleb felt no need to put any distance between them. It had been a leap in its way. There had been momentary touches before of course, lips to a forehead, heads pressed briefly together, small pieces of something that they had only tentatively begun to build. This touch, lingering as it was, he thought might be the first stone in a foundation.

Rather than squeezing this time, a calloused thumb brushed along the back of a palm.]

You deserve better. You deserve someone who will love you for all that you are, not judge you for what you are not. And you are so many things, Essek.

[And Caleb -- he did not put enough stake in the gods to ask them to help him -- knew so many of those things, fostered those fragile first blossoms of love as they came into flower for each and every one. What a dangerous place to be, a garden growing in a heart that he had long thought was consigned to being no more than a graveyard.]

[ And Essek did not know precisely what he did not deserve because all of his value had been on things that in the long game had never truly mattered to begin with. Value in knowledge, in prestige, in his position and the facade that he carefully cultivated-- for the most part truth except there had always been a part of himself that had longed to be less lonely.

The touch, the finger brush against his palm-- coolness of his palms from the ice magic that flowed through them hit the heat from Caleb's own warmer hands.

And so the touch was comfortable, the warmth a herald to something-- and gardens often times came with the thawing of winter, for that was when the blooms started to grow. It was a thawing and a growing, for each other ]

Have you learned to take your own advice, Caleb Widogast? [ He inclined his head to the side even as he shifted his hand to settle their hands palm to palm with his fingers against a wrist, his other hand reached for his wine glass to pick it up, settling it against his lips ] I have heard stories from Jester about how you do not think you deserve nice things.

[The turn of that hand against his, so that his fingertips rested against that slender wrist, the faint flutter of a pulse beneath his touch. And Caleb knew his own pulse was likely quickened by the moment.

He couldn't hide the surprise on his face at the question. Ah. Well, yes, Jester saw through him by now. He knew that. But he would not have guessed that he would have been a topic to come up between the cleric and Essek.

Stalling, he took his own drink, a long sip before he managed a sheepish lift of his shoulders.]

It is less that I think it so much that it is the unfortunate truth. I am not a good man.

[ Jester was perceptive likely, and knew what was brewing between the two men underneath the surface. Also, she loved to run interference-- it was what she did. She would talk up Caleb because she saw the way that Essek looked at the ginger, just as she attempted to draw attention to the fact that Essek was watching Caleb.

Their cleric of chaos was a wise bean definitely.

By definition, they were holding hands and it felt nice, the weight of fingers and palms-- and Essek only barely wanted to dwell on how intimate that was for wizards; hair for drow and hands for wizards.

Instead he persued this path, setting the glass down as he licked the taste of wine from his lower lip ]

You taught me that venom can be drawn out, and I refuse to believe that no one who cares for their friends so deeply as you do, does not have a mote of goodness in themselves with which to call forth.

[ This time Essek did fix his gaze on Caleb, the wine fortifying on his lips and took another sip, eyes meeting Caleb's over crystal while he waited for what Caleb would say to that. ] You know that you are my example of how I want to start living my life.

[Another sip of his own wine and he looked back to Essek, meeting that gaze with his own. That meant that it would be impossible for Essek to miss the way blue eyes snapped wide as the drow spoke.]

If there is some bit of goodness in me, it is because of them that it is still alive.

[He could have lost himself too easily in his terror and anger and need for revenge, could have let it consume anything that was left of his soul. Instead he'd fallen in with that group of utter misfits and found the new family he knew he did not deserve but that he loved dearly, would give his life for.]

You should have better standards for your examples but... I will try to live up to that expectation. I am trying to be a better man. And I do not want to let you down.

[His fingertips trailed up along the inside of Essek's wrist, a soft but meaningful touch.]

[ Thankfully for Caleb's keen mind, he likely won't even miss the way that a flush crosses over the bridge of Essek's nose and makes the star freckles slightly more prominent; the direct result of a finger brushed casually against wrist, meaningful and he had to take a sip of his wine to clear his throat, eyes darting toward the side though his own fingers twitched ever so slightly against the wrist, inadvertently touching a slender scar there.

Fortifying indeed, the wine slid down and he could feel the warmth pool.

When he spoke, his own voice was only a trifle unsteady but that may be the wine ]

Großvater is quite capable of choosing his examples, young man. [ A tone of voice that was trying to be admonishing but instead only came out as flustered. Did nerd wizard #1 just land a winning blow against nerd wizard #2? ]

[He won't miss it and he will never forget it, because it is a tremendously pretty picture. There's an errant thought of lifting that hand to his lips and following the touch of his fingers with a kiss, but that he knew was a bridge too far. He was already overstepping himself, pushing the boundaries of what he was allowed.

A shiver raced across his skin, a thrill that set a rush through him at the mimicked touch of those lavender fingers along an old scar. With a smile pulling at his lips, he nodded.]

This is true. I should not question my elders when they clearly know better.

[He hesitated though, uncertain.] Though... it would be fairer for you to actually know the truth of me, of the evil I have done, before you did your choosing.

[There was vulnerability in blue eyes as he looked down to his drink.] Would you hear it? The story of who I was before I was Caleb Widogast?

[ The dunamancer had an idea built of little hints here and there; he knew that it involved Volstruckers, had seen it in the Dungeon of Penance. Caleb had seen him at his worst, and Essek was mindful that this was trust in all of it's beautiful simplicity, and gods to see those eyes fall down to the glass made his heart ache in such an undefinable way.

Although he did not know how to offer comfort, still he shifted his hand to twine their fingers together-- instinctively offering that in a gesture that was perhaps more intimate, but also a show of strength and of care. ]

I will hear your story.. [ But he would not be judge and juror, he knew that he was not qualified for that and likewise he did not want to pass judgement on him, and he rather thought that Caleb judged himself more harshly than anyone elee could ]

[Caleb did not expect the joining of their hands, but he was grateful for the connection and curled his fingers gentle back against Essek's. The hold was light, in case the other man felt the need to draw back as he heard the tale of Caleb's past.

Caleb would not hold it against him.]

Bren Aldric Ermendrud. That was the name I was born with. My parents were not wealthy people, and we lived a simple life. They were good people, and they raised me with love. I loved them very much.

[He still does, near as much as he hates himself.] When I was a teenager, I was selected to attend the Soltryce Academy to study magic. I excelled there, and along with two other students, I caught the attention of a man named Trent Ikithon, a mage who sits on the Cerberus Assembly.

[A name that Essek knows.] I was trained as a Scourger, a Volstrucker. I excelled at this too. I learned to torture and to kill for the good of an Empire I was young and naive enough to believe in the idealistic version of.

[He reached his free hand to trace along the scars visible on his forearms.] Trent's methods for training were not kind. We were isolated and tortured ourselves. Residuum forced into our bodies to augment our arcane abilities. All for the good of the Empire.

[Bitterness has crept into his voice, but it gives way to quiet grief as he continues.] The final test, our graduation, was the cruelest. He altered our memories with magic, false memories of our families being traitors to the Empire. And we were tasked with killing them, to prove our loyalty.

[He cannot meet Essek's gaze any longer and his eyes drop away.]

I was seventeen when I murdered my mother and my father. I lit our home on fire with them inside. But I did not pass Trent's test. The sound of their screams broke something in me, something that rebelled against Trent's magical lies. I spent the next decade locked away, physically and mentally, discarded because I was a broken thing, no use to Ikithon or the Assembly. If the shattered enchantment had not been removed from my mind by a fellow inmate at the Sanitarium, I would likely be there still.

So that is who I am. A murderer who has killed those most dear to me, whose only mistake was loving me. A broken weapon that never should have been forged.

[ As much as Essek wished that he could profess any sort of surprise of that which Caleb told him, he wasn't. Not the moment that Trent Ikithon was mentioned and he felt that gnawing 'dread' in the pit of his stomach where his.. where Caleb was concerned. And his fingers, instead of drawing away, squeezed tighter as if to press upon the point that this was a safe harbor, that Essek was safe no matter what that meant.

The murder and the subterfuge, the insidious mind tricks, the guilt and the recriminations that Caleb likely put himself through every second of every minute of every hour of the day.

But Essek could spot the difference. He had chosen his hubris whereas Caleb was manipulated-- now this was not a who committed the bigger sin, but Essek could not legitimately see where any of what happened could be laid on Caleb's shoulders. ]

Well, Caleb Widogast [ He spoke that name as a reminder to the other man of who he has become and not who he had been ] I will not be your judge and juror; I can tell you though that you were a young man and there were parts of you that had not developed yet and all I can see is that you were taken advantage of by those in power. You are no longer Bren Ermendrud, you have risen like the Phoenix and I know, as well as the rest of the Nein, that you will never let that happen again and that it will become your life's mission.

[ His voice lowered to a whisper ]

That does not make you a man worth recriminations, it makes you a man worthy of care and consideration.

[Caleb had bared this secret to the Nein, to other friends, others he has cared for, and always he was torn between the fear of how it would change how they looked at him, and the certainty that it would be what he deserved.

And here was Essek, holding to his hand even as the confessions of sins spilled from his lips.

He wanted to argue that he did not deserve the kindness, that he deserved to be turned away and shunned for the wrongs he had done, demand it even. But he was too weak a man to turn it away, wanted too much to be cared for, to be allowed to care in turn.

Those last words spilled the gathering tears from his eyes and he looked up.]

You mean that, don't you? I should argue, but I am not a strong enough man to turn away that kindness. You are important to me, and I do not wish to give that up. Thank you.

[ The Shadowhand came out then, imperious and queen-like. The sort of persona that brooked no arguments, it was easy to hold it like a mantle and also he rather thought that Caleb would respond well to it. ]

You are wrong, a weak man turns away kindness.. and a strong man learns when it is appropriate to accept it for what it is.

[ Caleb Widogast, what a beautiful scarred man. Essek did not have those fears and retributions burned so deeply inside them; they were there but they had not left an imprint. He longed to do so much more, instead he fished out a scented handkerchief and he leaned over to dab at the tops of Caleb's cheeks lightly with something that was remisicent of lavender and snow. ]

We do not have to give each other up, in fact you and the Nein have ensured that you are effectively stuck with me for better and for worse.

[Caleb could feel himself sitting up just a bit straighter at the tone and the change in Essek's bearing, not consciously realizing that he's doing it. It's just a reflexive response.]

That... yes, I suppose you are right at that.

[The touch of the handkerchief was startling, but Caleb only leaned into it. The scent familiar and sweet, and he breathed out a sheepish laugh.]

I am sorry. My emotions seem to have the better of me. But... good. I would very happily be stuck with you. And you are very much stuck with us, ja? There will be no help for it.

You are fine, I am merely fulfilling a need that you clearly have.. [ Until Caleb was back with the rest of the Nein again, and he would no longer be needed, he did not want to think about that ] and that is to assure you that you are worthy and that you still have things to fight for.

[ He settled the handkerchief against the table then, within reaching distance in case Caleb needed it again, and then he picked up his glass of wine to finish it. ] You do not have to apologize for anything Caleb, you really should apologize to yourself for being so unkind.

[ A squeeze of that hand, comforting and cool to counter the warmth of Caleb's own touch ]

If you cannot be kind to yourself, then I will step in and be kind to you, and you will have no choice but to accept it. [ Would Caleb deny Essek? ]

And what need can I fulfil for you in return? You are a dear friend, and if it's in my power, it is yours.

[It was an easy promise to make, given that it was something he very much wanted to do. Essek was important to him, so very important. Things had become complicated between them, but somehow Caleb thought they'd grown closer for it, the understanding of two deeply flawed, lonely men.]

I am... a luckier man than I knew, I think. Thank you.

[He reached for the handkerchief to dab at his cheeks once more, and then kept it held in his fingers.]

[ How to tell Caleb that he did not wish for Caleb to give him anything, that he was not offering Caleb this in exchange for anything. Caleb had every molecule of his care and consideration, he did not need to offer anything up in exchange, except that Essek could orbit around that artificial sun that was Caleb's smile. He glanced off to the side, it was flicker, some unreadable emotion for a moment catching hold like a lightning bug. ]

You have promised that while we are here, we will have each other's backs, that is fine. As well as conversations with you, like this.

[ He liked this, having a drink with the other wizard as if things like this were normal; not having to worry about eyes on them or teasings. Just the luxury of Caleb's company that was offered freely ]

I may have grown up a rich boy from the Dynasty, but moments like these are rare for me and I.. like them.

IC Inbox - Labyrinthum

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Sorry Caleb, he wrote a lot

NEVER BE SORRY

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