ausgebrannt | IC Inbox

[ Thankfully for Caleb's keen mind, he likely won't even miss the way that a flush crosses over the bridge of Essek's nose and makes the star freckles slightly more prominent; the direct result of a finger brushed casually against wrist, meaningful and he had to take a sip of his wine to clear his throat, eyes darting toward the side though his own fingers twitched ever so slightly against the wrist, inadvertently touching a slender scar there.

Fortifying indeed, the wine slid down and he could feel the warmth pool.

When he spoke, his own voice was only a trifle unsteady but that may be the wine ]

Großvater is quite capable of choosing his examples, young man. [ A tone of voice that was trying to be admonishing but instead only came out as flustered. Did nerd wizard #1 just land a winning blow against nerd wizard #2? ]

[He won't miss it and he will never forget it, because it is a tremendously pretty picture. There's an errant thought of lifting that hand to his lips and following the touch of his fingers with a kiss, but that he knew was a bridge too far. He was already overstepping himself, pushing the boundaries of what he was allowed.

A shiver raced across his skin, a thrill that set a rush through him at the mimicked touch of those lavender fingers along an old scar. With a smile pulling at his lips, he nodded.]

This is true. I should not question my elders when they clearly know better.

[He hesitated though, uncertain.] Though... it would be fairer for you to actually know the truth of me, of the evil I have done, before you did your choosing.

[There was vulnerability in blue eyes as he looked down to his drink.] Would you hear it? The story of who I was before I was Caleb Widogast?

[ The dunamancer had an idea built of little hints here and there; he knew that it involved Volstruckers, had seen it in the Dungeon of Penance. Caleb had seen him at his worst, and Essek was mindful that this was trust in all of it's beautiful simplicity, and gods to see those eyes fall down to the glass made his heart ache in such an undefinable way.

Although he did not know how to offer comfort, still he shifted his hand to twine their fingers together-- instinctively offering that in a gesture that was perhaps more intimate, but also a show of strength and of care. ]

I will hear your story.. [ But he would not be judge and juror, he knew that he was not qualified for that and likewise he did not want to pass judgement on him, and he rather thought that Caleb judged himself more harshly than anyone elee could ]

[Caleb did not expect the joining of their hands, but he was grateful for the connection and curled his fingers gentle back against Essek's. The hold was light, in case the other man felt the need to draw back as he heard the tale of Caleb's past.

Caleb would not hold it against him.]

Bren Aldric Ermendrud. That was the name I was born with. My parents were not wealthy people, and we lived a simple life. They were good people, and they raised me with love. I loved them very much.

[He still does, near as much as he hates himself.] When I was a teenager, I was selected to attend the Soltryce Academy to study magic. I excelled there, and along with two other students, I caught the attention of a man named Trent Ikithon, a mage who sits on the Cerberus Assembly.

[A name that Essek knows.] I was trained as a Scourger, a Volstrucker. I excelled at this too. I learned to torture and to kill for the good of an Empire I was young and naive enough to believe in the idealistic version of.

[He reached his free hand to trace along the scars visible on his forearms.] Trent's methods for training were not kind. We were isolated and tortured ourselves. Residuum forced into our bodies to augment our arcane abilities. All for the good of the Empire.

[Bitterness has crept into his voice, but it gives way to quiet grief as he continues.] The final test, our graduation, was the cruelest. He altered our memories with magic, false memories of our families being traitors to the Empire. And we were tasked with killing them, to prove our loyalty.

[He cannot meet Essek's gaze any longer and his eyes drop away.]

I was seventeen when I murdered my mother and my father. I lit our home on fire with them inside. But I did not pass Trent's test. The sound of their screams broke something in me, something that rebelled against Trent's magical lies. I spent the next decade locked away, physically and mentally, discarded because I was a broken thing, no use to Ikithon or the Assembly. If the shattered enchantment had not been removed from my mind by a fellow inmate at the Sanitarium, I would likely be there still.

So that is who I am. A murderer who has killed those most dear to me, whose only mistake was loving me. A broken weapon that never should have been forged.

[ As much as Essek wished that he could profess any sort of surprise of that which Caleb told him, he wasn't. Not the moment that Trent Ikithon was mentioned and he felt that gnawing 'dread' in the pit of his stomach where his.. where Caleb was concerned. And his fingers, instead of drawing away, squeezed tighter as if to press upon the point that this was a safe harbor, that Essek was safe no matter what that meant.

The murder and the subterfuge, the insidious mind tricks, the guilt and the recriminations that Caleb likely put himself through every second of every minute of every hour of the day.

But Essek could spot the difference. He had chosen his hubris whereas Caleb was manipulated-- now this was not a who committed the bigger sin, but Essek could not legitimately see where any of what happened could be laid on Caleb's shoulders. ]

Well, Caleb Widogast [ He spoke that name as a reminder to the other man of who he has become and not who he had been ] I will not be your judge and juror; I can tell you though that you were a young man and there were parts of you that had not developed yet and all I can see is that you were taken advantage of by those in power. You are no longer Bren Ermendrud, you have risen like the Phoenix and I know, as well as the rest of the Nein, that you will never let that happen again and that it will become your life's mission.

[ His voice lowered to a whisper ]

That does not make you a man worth recriminations, it makes you a man worthy of care and consideration.

[Caleb had bared this secret to the Nein, to other friends, others he has cared for, and always he was torn between the fear of how it would change how they looked at him, and the certainty that it would be what he deserved.

And here was Essek, holding to his hand even as the confessions of sins spilled from his lips.

He wanted to argue that he did not deserve the kindness, that he deserved to be turned away and shunned for the wrongs he had done, demand it even. But he was too weak a man to turn it away, wanted too much to be cared for, to be allowed to care in turn.

Those last words spilled the gathering tears from his eyes and he looked up.]

You mean that, don't you? I should argue, but I am not a strong enough man to turn away that kindness. You are important to me, and I do not wish to give that up. Thank you.

[ The Shadowhand came out then, imperious and queen-like. The sort of persona that brooked no arguments, it was easy to hold it like a mantle and also he rather thought that Caleb would respond well to it. ]

You are wrong, a weak man turns away kindness.. and a strong man learns when it is appropriate to accept it for what it is.

[ Caleb Widogast, what a beautiful scarred man. Essek did not have those fears and retributions burned so deeply inside them; they were there but they had not left an imprint. He longed to do so much more, instead he fished out a scented handkerchief and he leaned over to dab at the tops of Caleb's cheeks lightly with something that was remisicent of lavender and snow. ]

We do not have to give each other up, in fact you and the Nein have ensured that you are effectively stuck with me for better and for worse.

[Caleb could feel himself sitting up just a bit straighter at the tone and the change in Essek's bearing, not consciously realizing that he's doing it. It's just a reflexive response.]

That... yes, I suppose you are right at that.

[The touch of the handkerchief was startling, but Caleb only leaned into it. The scent familiar and sweet, and he breathed out a sheepish laugh.]

I am sorry. My emotions seem to have the better of me. But... good. I would very happily be stuck with you. And you are very much stuck with us, ja? There will be no help for it.

You are fine, I am merely fulfilling a need that you clearly have.. [ Until Caleb was back with the rest of the Nein again, and he would no longer be needed, he did not want to think about that ] and that is to assure you that you are worthy and that you still have things to fight for.

[ He settled the handkerchief against the table then, within reaching distance in case Caleb needed it again, and then he picked up his glass of wine to finish it. ] You do not have to apologize for anything Caleb, you really should apologize to yourself for being so unkind.

[ A squeeze of that hand, comforting and cool to counter the warmth of Caleb's own touch ]

If you cannot be kind to yourself, then I will step in and be kind to you, and you will have no choice but to accept it. [ Would Caleb deny Essek? ]

And what need can I fulfil for you in return? You are a dear friend, and if it's in my power, it is yours.

[It was an easy promise to make, given that it was something he very much wanted to do. Essek was important to him, so very important. Things had become complicated between them, but somehow Caleb thought they'd grown closer for it, the understanding of two deeply flawed, lonely men.]

I am... a luckier man than I knew, I think. Thank you.

[He reached for the handkerchief to dab at his cheeks once more, and then kept it held in his fingers.]

[ How to tell Caleb that he did not wish for Caleb to give him anything, that he was not offering Caleb this in exchange for anything. Caleb had every molecule of his care and consideration, he did not need to offer anything up in exchange, except that Essek could orbit around that artificial sun that was Caleb's smile. He glanced off to the side, it was flicker, some unreadable emotion for a moment catching hold like a lightning bug. ]

You have promised that while we are here, we will have each other's backs, that is fine. As well as conversations with you, like this.

[ He liked this, having a drink with the other wizard as if things like this were normal; not having to worry about eyes on them or teasings. Just the luxury of Caleb's company that was offered freely ]

I may have grown up a rich boy from the Dynasty, but moments like these are rare for me and I.. like them.

IC Inbox - Labyrinthum

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject